Parents Talking

I have just completed my first book. My life’s experiences with running my own home based Family daycare, and offering some helpful tips on parenting. I have worked on this project for over five years, jotting down notes here and there. Putting my ideas on paper and rewriting everything. I had this idea to write about childcare and parenting advice from all the families through the years who urged me on. It’s a funny thing when you write about parts of your life. It’s a lot like looking in a mirror and seeing your reflection. My goal was to complete this book and start on a new one right away, and I have.

Setting a goal for me is a reminder to keep moving and be present. As I look at my life through the pages of my book, it tells me I have much to learn and more to grow. All of us have our stories, and our experiences to share, but you have to want to share them with others. Maybe my story won’t be of interest to everyone, but if just one single mother out there says to herself, “I am not alone, and I can do this too”…then it’s rewarding in itself. We all can be of more help to one another by sharing our lives and our stories. There is a phrase from an older song: “One mans ceiling, is another mans floor.”

I am just beginning my journey into my writings. I have much to learn and I am an eager student. Right when if you think, one door closes, just wait, and another door opens. I am a true optimist. It got me through raising my family and our rough times. It got me through the end of a marriage and the loss of my parents. Optimism, is a choice. It can be what delivers you from despair to triumph.

My new goal: To be open, to explore, and be creative. To live my life with the understanding that I have much more to learn and never, ever stop believing in ME!

I was born and raised in CA all of my life. I was married in 1977 to a good man, however he was soon to be diagnosed with Manic/Depression, or Bi Polar as they now call it. His illness grew increasingly more difficult to manage, and it became obvious I had to make some important changes. After many years of counseling and trying to work things through, we were divorced. I raised our five children on my own, as a single parent. I never dated or went out with other men for many years. I just felt my life was busy enough with my children and my Family Home childcare business. We had our struggles, but we also had each other.

Many years later, I met and fell in love with a great guy and we both felt very lucky to have found love again after 50! He lived in Nevada and every weekend he drove his motorcycle to California to see me. I got out of my comfort zone, my safety zone and had the best time riding along Pacific Coast Highway on the back of his bike. I climbed out of my comfort zone and threw myself into a new life! I was still the same Mom, and Childcare Provider, just a new lease on my own personal life. My girls were very hesitant about my new relationship, and my sons all but my youngest one, were a bit reserved. I told myself, this was a wonderful thing! He loved my kids, (or we would never be together) he loved me and showered me with love, affection, and companionship. We had so much fun together, and both of us felt incredibly lucky!

Later I had a surgery that I never fully recovered from. It was devastating and I was unable to return to the work I have always loved. He asked me to marry him in 2007 and I was thrilled. I moved away from California and it was one of the hardest things I have ever done. My kids and I were a tight knit group and have gone through so much together. This was not an easy thing to do. I knew I was only four hours away, but it wasn’t like they could stop by for a cup of coffee or have dinner with us on a whim. You have to plan for this trip, even if it only takes four hours to get here. I never wanted to live away from my children and I have never lived outside of CA.
I wanted to have my kids stop by and visit and share in our lives. All of my life I have cared for other families children and finally now after all these years my children have their new babies. We have a great time together, sharing our family stories and memories. I will always wish I was only twenty minutes away, but I know they are glad I am happy too.

I take some comfort hearing from friends whose children have moved away or they have themselves. They share their stories about how they make the best of it all, too. There is no script in life. Houses come and go, cars come and go, people come and go, except you have to work very hard to make that constant connection. I adore my kids and their babies, my family of siblings and I think about them all the time. I feel they know that too.

I will always wish for the sound of one of my kids cars pulling in the driveway. I will always want to see them at our front door, ready for a good old fashioned “mom meal” and cup of coffee. For now, I will settle for planning our trips, and waking up to a good pot of coffee, with our family, babies laughter and great big hugs.

I raised my own children to be understanding and tolerant of all people. I never remember during their childhood, that this concept applied to a select few. I prided myself on giving my kids the benefit of knowing that we are not the only kind in our world. Now, of course, looking back our world, meant this country that we live in. We were not travelers, so I never really thought about making the distinction to all the different nations, worldwide. Yet, I know in my heart, that was exactly what I meant. No matter who it is or where they came from, we are all people. We all share different cultures and different backgrounds, and different family traditions. However, I believe that mothers all around the world love and care for their child with the same heart.

My children in our family have spouses and partners of different ethnic backgrounds. I am proud that as a family we all have embraced our newest members, and try very hard to understand and communicate together. It is not always easy, it is not always the right translation, but we keep trying. I feel that this is how our grandchildren will be raised. Knowing that we are all in one big happy family. There will be no color or facial distinctions made, until someone else will point that out to them. There will be no surprises from their parents when it will be explained to them, why they look different.

When I was a young girl, I remember the stories about our immigrant ancestors, and how they risked their lives, and their safety to come to America, for a better opportunity and future. I also remember hearing about their plight to quickly learn the English language and work hard to become a U.S. citizen. To them, it was an honor and a privaledge. I love that our country has welcomed so many immigrants to this land, but I also see that in order to work, own land, vote and pay taxes…you must become a citizen. I know in my own family, my oldest son’s wife is from Japan. She also speaks English and got her degree at UCLA, shortly after that, they met and fell in love. My son helped her with the paperwork, and the tedious job of doing what was necessary for her to live here. She still keeps her family traditions and has much love and pride for her homeland. She misses her country and loves and respects her roots as well. However, she knows that the paperwork, the fees and the efforts is the right way to be in another country. They are married now and have their first child. Her mother has come over from Japan to help out and is taking English classes two days a week, to understand her new environment better. To me that shows respect and insight.  My other son has a Chinese girlfriend. They also met through school. She has a school visa and will return to China for a visit soon. She will be there for 2 months and told us she will have to wait in a line, like everyone else that could take all day long, just to hear a less than one minute speech about checking the proper paperwork. She knows it is important to do what is right, and to go through the proper channels. She also speaks English very well, as her parents in China told her to learn that in school before she came to the States. She will be doing all the right paperwork so that she can return back to the U.S.

My daughter’s in laws are from Mexico. They have been here for almost thirty years. They are loving, kind and hard working people. The mother does not speak English well at all.  The father speaks the language fairly well. He has worked in construction most of his life. His wife is a lovely person, a wonderful grandmother, but she apparently never thought it necessary enough to learn English. I personally don’t understand that, and sorry to say, I think that is a shame. I could never imagine living in Mexico or for that matter, any other country and not learning their language when I have lived there for thirty years! I want to embrace who we have in our family, and I do. As far as people go, I don’t think I am a better person, but I do feel it says much about that person, not wanting to fit in, or belong. I also feel that it sends the wrong message to your children, since all of their children were  born here in the United States too.

So, I understand  when others have their reservations, or indifferences about immigration.  I also understand that we need to have standards that can keep doors open to our country but only if you are willing to go through the steps in becoming a citizen. It is only fair, and I would expect the same should apply to me, if I choose to work and live in their country too.

The bottom line is this: I want our whole family to continue to live with tolerance and understanding, peace in their hearts and love for others. I wish for all my grandchildren to help continue with this life long mantra. We are just one person, on an Earth that is huge, but in the Universe, we are just a dot. We need to be kind, and be compassionate, but also to live within the laws. I don’t want anarchy, I believe none of us want that either. I want all of us to live with manners, respect, and compassion for all people. But, we also have to live by the rules. This is how we teach our children, and we grown ups should do the same!

I miss my own mother so much more now that I am a grandmother. I wonder how my mom felt seeing most of her children becoming parents too. It’s easy to love your grandchildren, because you see your own child in those beautiful eyes that smile back at you. I will read to my grandkids and let them roll out play dough, fingerpaint, make tents with sheets and blankets, have many picnics, take many trips to the beach (of course I have to travel from NV to CA), help them learn to cook and take nature walks to help them discover their world. I may not be walking too great, but I can still walk holding onto the stroller and that’s all I need. I am thrilled to be a grammy and be there for my kids with any advice and wisdom I can bring. For now, I have two grandchildren and I know many more to come. My kids are wonderful, loving parents and both really wish they could be home with their own babies. I think both parents truly understand all the sacrifices and trade offs you have to make when you work full time and have to leave your child. Fortunately, for both parents their mother in-laws are lucky enough to be the full time care giver. The costs for childcare are soaring and when I was a licensed daycare provider I kept my rates very low compared to what people are charging now. Life is hard for younger parents because financially, society expects two incomes. Back when we raised our children we made a firm decision not to expect to have much and so there were less expectations, less pressure to compare and compete. We were very happy in those early years, though we ended in divorce, it was a wonderful time watching our kids grow.  As a grandma I want to remind my kids to relax more and live in the moment. For my grandkids, I want to share with them  that each and every day life is a great adventure. Children remind you not to take life seriously and hugs and smiles can heal the world.    

The other night on the news there was a story about a young woman who was killed by some repeat sex offender. She was jogging in a park, an area she was very familiar with and enjoying her run when she was attacked and  murdered. This story reminded me of how my own daughters love to exercise and run and often do this alone. My younger daughter called me the other night and we were talking about all the sad news stories that she had heard on her car radio going to work. A nine month old baby found dead in a trash can, that upon examination was a very healthy baby. I thought of the families who would give their right arm to be parents, and the baby who just needed to be loved. Then this story of the young female jogger. Where is our safety net for our children anymore? Is it gone for good? As parents we can only protect them so much, and when they leave our home, we pray for strength and safety. We can remind them of the dangers out there, warn them, counsel them and guide them, but that’s it. My husband feels that every girl or woman of any age should not only walk or run without a buddy, but also should have a big dog with them. I am all for getting a good, large, loyal dog for every female. Sorry gals, but the purse size dogs aren’t the best choice here. You want the breed that will scare, intimidate, and attack strangers on your behalf. I am so sick and tired of hearing about these good for nothing predators who are cowards and get their kicks by being so evil. They don’t deserve to have any rights at all. Once they have committed this kind of crime, they should lose all their rights. To me, you took someone’s life away, the same goes for you! I have five children and I know when I was growing up, we had our bad stories too, but it just seems like criminals were dealt with in a swift, harsh manner, compared to what they get a way with today. I fear for the safety of young girls and women all over. Please walk or run with a buddy, and next time take the great big dog….and just maybe the next monster/predator will think twice before the next assault. You could be safer, more protected, and alive. My heart goes out to all the families of these tragedies and I pray for all those courageous angels up there.

I have been listening to a family member who tells me he and his ex are paying for all the expenses for their son. It’s not that it is my personal business, because it’s not. However, these parents are not wealthy and they live paycheck to paycheck…and their son is in his late twenties. It isn’t about whether this is a great kid or not but rather whose responsibility should this be? Now remember, I was a single mom of five. There is no way I could even entertain that idea for any of my children. I was able to help with a parent plus loan for one of my kids when she left after high school to go away to college. I was able to help contribute towards her education, and the interst rate is very low and we all know you can’t get a better rate for student loans than through the government loan programs.

However, I did not pay for a car, rent, or living expenses. My daughter also worked full time and juggled her schooling around her work hours. Paying $36.00 a month didn’t break my wallet.  I believe as Suze Ormund says that parents should not pay for their kids college education, especially if the parents don’t have that kind of money! If your kids want to go badly enough, they will have to figure it out. Ms. Ormund worked two jobs to get through her education…and she managed to get her degree. My other older children are paying for their school expenses and they are almost finished with their degree.  If you are wealthy and money is no object, then I guess that is your choice. Still I wonder how are we teaching our grown children that these choices must be theirs to own. I feel they will have more pride and respect for all that hard work and efforts that went into attaining their goal. FFT  ( Food for Tought) 

In 2009 we had the thrill of having two new baby girls welcomed into our family! My oldest daughter Katie’s first born Alani, and my oldest son Brian’s first born Azumi (Amy). It is a wonderful time for a mother to catch those glimpses of your son in Fatherhood. Brian was a young boy when his father and I divorced. You never know what scars are left by this, sometimes it seems subtle, other times it can feel like a steam roller. As a single mom, (all the children lived with me and on my income only) you want to instill the values, morals and life lessons that you know are important to help your kids grow into good people. I wrote about how amazing it was to see my daughter as a mother, and it is just as awesome to see your son as a father! The look on his face, the brow that creases with worry if he can provide enough for his new family, the pride in holding his baby girl. It’s a gift to be an observer of this.  My kids all work hard and provide for themselves, but they also don’t make money their highest priority. To me that is refreshing, especailly since nowadays our kdis can make double the salary the parents used to make! Brian talks about how important it is to him to let his wife be home with the baby until she is maybe two years old. He feels bad they have to worry about going back to work too soon. He sees the value and importance of time with the baby and not being able to get that back. He knows the baby won’t remember, but he says he will. Whatever lies ahead for them, their decisions, the search to find the best balance, I am proud to see the role of being a father came so naturally for him. I am most proud to know that his family and their happiness in what is most important. He will be a great role model for his family and his children, something that many parents seem to forget to do in these times….Lead by example

After having raised my five children and scores of other families children, I thought I knew what it would feel like to become a grandma.

Nothing prepared me for such a wonderful feeling! It’s not just the joy of seeing my daughter as a loving new parent herself, it is the joy of seeing this child represent these two blended families. Alani Rose is the combination of many backgrounds and this little baby herself is like the U.N. to our growing family. Isn’t it amazing how this little baby girl can bridge the gap of indifference and misunderstandings, all by herself and make us want to be a better person? Through her we all want to be closer than ever and strive to become better human beings. This is the gift that no one really talks about…how a child can unite both sides of a family and bring everyone closer togethe. I am thrilled being a new grammy and feel overjoyed and blessed! I am awaiting my second grandbaby (another little girl) coming right at Thanksgiving, which gives this Holiday it’s truest meaning. I am grateful, I am thankful, I am Blessed!

THERE IS A LONG STORY TO MY SISTER’S LIFE. There were years of worrying about her and wondering if she was alright. My parents were wonderful loving people, but they could not set boundaries for our younger sister. Oh, by the way she is now 45 years old. I do love my sister and wish her well, but I no longer worry over her life the way I used to. I suppose it is because I had enough of all those years when our family lived in such chaos. The fear that her screaming, yelling, shouting, hitting and her famous SCENES would pop up at any minute.What a Life! Our mother always believed that if she gave in or helped her “This One Last Time”, then my sister PROMISED she would stop, or try harder and be BETTER. That never happened.

My parents were older with the birth of my younger sister. Both of their first spouses died, and they wanted to bridge the gap of blending our families with another baby. They had six children to raise on one income and dad worked six days a week. They were great, loving people. However, they could never say the word… NO ! She got into trouble at a very young age. Running away, hitch hiking when she was only 13, sleeping around, drugs and fights. She had anger on her face and grudges against everyone. She was the Master of Manipulation and always played the VICTIM. Why do I write about this now?  Karma is a strange thing, and I guess the tables have turned. Now her oldest and only daughter, just turning 16, has been giving her nothing but trouble. I got a phone call from my sister telling me about their latest CHAOTIC EVENT IN THEIR HOME. Her daughter used profanity when she answered her mom and my sister told her she wanted her cell phone. That started another battle and it went on with the daughter hitting, kicking, screaming at both parents and threatening to call the police. She didn’t have to, the neighbors did. When the officers arrived my sister explained it was all over her daughter swearing and mom trying to take away her cell phone. The officers told my sister “well, we understand how that goes,so is everyone alright here?” This is just a small example of how distressed her life is. On a daily basis this type of outbreak can happen.Their home is now filled with the same fear of her daughter that we all grew up in…exploding tempers, rages and making everyone feel nervous, sick to their stomach and exhausted, Why is it that those same people who acted out in such a horrible way themselves, are the first to wonder WHY this is happening to them?

My sister tells me how volatile and unstable her daughter is. Yet it was my sister who took her daughter to the clinic and put her on the PILL. Don’t confuse being safe, with giving permission to become sexually active to a  12 year old girl too soon. Instead of discipline, boundaries, and many discussions about the consequences of having sex too young, she just takes her to the clinic. Like going to the mall together? There were no dating rules or times set down for this young girl, who by the way is with a guy who is 5 years older than she is…and mom gave her permission for that too. She tells me, he is a nice guy and makes good grades….what? Dear Lord!

Now my sister is having her doubts, and wonders why? She too is following the same path my mother did for her. Avoidance and denial. It doesn’t work that well. She lives in fear of her daughter’s temper and rage. The cause of all this? The root of the problems? My sister’s chaotic and unstable life all along the way while her children were little. Her kids saw horrible things and lived in places that were not safe. I understand why her daughter is lashing out, many people were taken from her because of my sisters lifestyle. It is the most selfish thing a parent can do, take away loved ones from a child’s life, because you forgot to stay “CLEAN”, or You forgot to get tested by a certain date, or You forgot to stop using drugs. YOU FORGOT TO BE A PARENT AND YOU FORGOT YOUR CHILDREN.

When my sister was young..our parents worked hard and had six children to feed and clothe. My younger sister was given everything at a very early age.The rest of us were two years apart, she was seven years younger than me. I felt like her mother many times. Even when I was young I even knew she needed to be told “NO.” My sister’s life was screwed up because my parents (mom especially) could not stand their ground, set down the house rules, enforce them and teach her to follow them. So for the rest of my mother’s life, (and she was a wonderful mom to us and a loving grandmother) but she was on a MISSION to save my younger sister. To RESCUE her. No matter what, she was there for her. When others said “it’s time to put your foot down and say no” she would say “Oh but she promised me, this time”. She believed it. My sister knew just what to say and how our mother would react. Druggies are great manipulators.

So now, it has come full circle. Our mom died at the height of my sister’s sad life. A great loss for us all. My gosh my sister even came late to our mom’s funeral and on top of that she was HIGH. Now she is facing the same challenges and gives in to her daughter’s temper tantrums all the time. Her daughter gets whatever she wants and when my sister tries to say NO, the fighting and screaming and raging fits start all over again. My sister says she doesn’t remember her screaming and making mom scared of her rage. Ironic. Now she is frightened of her own child, who always threatens her mom and dad with calling the authorities on them if they raise their hand or voice. She inherited those manipulated genes. I am sure she witnessed first hand how manipulation works.
The first chain started because rules weren’t laid down and obeyed. There was no respect from my sister to our parents. No guidelines. No boundaries. Life was hellish. Now my sister’s rules aren’t laid down and certainly not obeyed. All because one parent decided to give in to a child’s temper tantrums. This is why parents need to set down rules and guidelines. This is why parents need to be consistent and follow through. My mother never did any drugs in her life, but because there was no structure and rules set down for my sister to follow she ran amok and lived a life that has cost her dearly. She already has lost one child permanently, (he has been with me since he was three, almost 21 years old ,now adopted and like my very own son) he is a wonderful young man.

Now my sister is exhausted, drained, and whipped. She doesn’t want to put her foot down, she tells me “I am keeping the peace, by giving In.” I asked her “How has that been working out?” “It hasn’t” she says…and so it continues. The cycle has not been broken and of course this young girls life hangs by a thread. I feel sorry for all of them. I feel my sister is 100% responsible now, just as my mother was. Now with my sisters daughter…I feel she will do the same thing our mom did. The sad thing is that her daughter has never been taught the true skills of life. Hard work, Honesty, Compassion, Respect and Responsibility. So now all that’s left is for my sister to Rescue her daughter and feel Guilty and die young. Leaving her children with the same legacy to someday pass onto their children and on and on.

No…it’s just one word, that can save an entire family a lifetime of chaos and heartbreak.

My daughter is getting married in four more days. The family is thrilled and very happy for all of them. I say “All” because it is my daughter, her fiance, and their soon to arrive, baby girl. At first my daughter was hesitant about getting married with the big bulge, but then after thoughts told her, no,that she was proud to share her marriage and this union of the man she loves and soon to be grandchild (The First one too!)with all her family and friends. She has known her fiance for almost 8 years, they both went through college together, and that’s how they met, that very first day. He graduated last year and is a wonderful teacher. She too has a terrific job and is going to graduate this year. She has a lot on her plate, planning the wedding,( a beautiful, simple garden/wedding/reception) working full time, 6 months pregnant and they have been searching like crazy for a home to buy. She also helps take care of her father’s bills and his money (he has Manic Depression), yes, we have all offered to help (we have been divorced for quite some time now, and I am re-married), but Katie seems to manage it all with stride. Does she get overwhelmed? Absolutely!, But I am most proud of the way she handles her decisions. When I was at the bridal shop with my daughter I saw the stares and the looks from others. Either the pretty skinny new brides to be, or the parents with their brows all tied in a knot. There was my Katie stepping out in this beautiful sweeping strapless empire dress, my eyes watered right away and my heart was bursting with awe. She only had to look at me and for that very second I knew my facial expressions meant everything to her. There was no one else in the store that day, oh there may have been people staring, gazing and casting judgments…but to me all I saw was my beautiful daughter, showered with pride and joy. I can’t wait to tell my grand daughter someday how proud I am of her mother. Her mother will tell her that she was no accident, just an earthly delight from love that came early. Katie told me, “I might not have planned this and maybe I won’t be the thin pretty bride all girls dream of….but as I feel my baby kick and squirm inside of me, I feel life…and the true meaning of love.” That says it all.